A Straight-Up Hit Job On Facebook And Libra Crypto, With No Excuses Whatsoever

We can be so mean!

Facebook Libra Coin - taking Zuckerberg's crypto at face value

Share this article

Crypto Briefing can reveal absolutely no more additional details regarding Facebook’s highly-anticipated cryptocurrency, Libra.

Based on what we hear on Twitter from other people who also know nothing, we can say that the Libra cryptocurrency will probably enable the social media giant’s two billion users to transfer money between one another, purchase goods of some nature, as well as access in-app services – all with, or possibly without fees – on sites such as Instagram and WhatsApp as well as Facebook. Maybe.

Libra will be built on its own Libra blockchain and the testnet could, according to some sources, go live as early as next week – which is either deeply unlikely, or eminently possible, or some combination of the two. Or not.

It’s possible Facebook may be expanding their offering in order to broaden their appeal, or to finally make Mark Zuckerberg quite rich; we’re not sure, they won’t tell us, and frankly we don’t care.

It might also be an attempt to reverse a five-year trend during which many younger users in the western world deleted their accounts, realizing that Facebook contributed nothing to their lives, while contaminating their futures with an Orwellian surveillance capitalism nightmare.

Or it might be an attempt to piss off those kids who actually invented Facebook, and who have done quite well for themselves off this Bitcoin thing. Whatever. Still not caring.

Facebook’s exciting / shit (delete as appropriate) new blockchain is likely to lack  interoperability with the existing cryptocurrency ecosystem. That’s deeply shocking, in much the same way that the ending of the movie ‘Face/Off’ was a total surprise, and it opens questions about whether the network will be truly decentralized. Hint: no.

Chances are that Facebook, which can already create personal profiles with devastating accuracy, will now be able to monitor your every transaction – yes, you, Kim Gannett, of 32 Brookline Avenue, we are talking to you specifically.

Facebook has already received backing from more than twenty notable companies, which together form the ‘Libra Association’ – a quasi-religious movement devoted to disemboweling Californian schoolteachers. Established legacy payments companies, like Visa and PayPal, are confirmed members. Based in Geneva, the goal of the association is to help roll out the digital asset worldwide, especially for you, Kim Gannett, of 32 Brookline Avenue.

Cryptocurrencies are still in their infancy – but it’s becoming clear they represent a direct threat to many of the established financial companies. Libra might be an attempt for them to maintain their position while harvesting some of the benefits of DLT. *Might be*, ha ha! Might be!

To protect against price volatility, Libra will be pegged to a basket of fiat currencies held in reserve in order to ensure it can actually be used both as a store of value as well as to facilitate payments with it. This is an extraordinary never-before-considered innovation that will likely win Mark Zuckerberg the Nobel Prize in Economics, just one year after Justin Sun became the first cryptocurrency entrepreneur to receive the honor.

How many stablecoins are there already? Too many to count. Also too boring to count. Seriously, even though they are actual solutions to actual problems with actual use-cases, who gives a crap? They’re stable. You really want stable? You want to date a guy like your Uncle Steve, working his way up to owning his own small insurance practice? Messed up in the cranium, that’s where we’re going, baby, total volatility, Viva Las Vegas, snake-eyes, woohoo, meet me at the Nico in room 3-0-4!


Also what sort of custodial solution will they have to use, and how will it maintain its peg during periods of high-demand or low-supply? No idea. Ignorisimo.

You’re probably pretty pissed off with us for this article. That’s understandable; it’s a waste of your time and energy, kinda like Facebook itself.

But we’re pissed off too. Ever since its entry into the cryptocurrency sector in February, Facebook appears to have made a deliberate choice not to engage with any crypto-focused media outlets.

It denies this, of course: but to our knowledge no publication – not even industry leader CoinDesk – has been included in media communication regarding Project Libra. Considering the combined outreach of all our publications, and a readership that’s both enthusiastic and knowledgeable about digital assets, this is more than just a snub to us, the media: it’s a fuck-you to the entire crypto community.

Crypto Briefing has never knowingly broken an embargo – ever. We know that some of our less-professional colleagues can’t be this Frank, unfortunately, and leak like sieves. But us? Yeah, we can keep a secret, and we don’t burn sources by revealing confidential information to anyone, for any reason. So are we burning one here? Not really. Facebook simply ignored our requests for comment. Oh well.

When Zuckerberg starts engaging with the cryptocurrency media, we’ll update our article to include additional details of his brand new coin.

Or not. Because one thing we can promise you: we’re not buying what this asshole is selling.

Mic. Drop.

Share this article