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Why Bitcoin Is Awesome For Drug Dealers

Why Bitcoin Is Awesome For Drug Dealers

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Bitcoin drug dealers are all the rage! Important people are endorsing Bitcoin regularly as a fantastic way to build a narcotics-based empire, and so in this article, I’ll examine the many benefits of using digtial currencies to facilitate the smuggling of vast amounts of drugs.

As well as discussing the extraordinary use-cases of blockchain for keeping track of your heroin, cocaine, or other import/export asset category, I’ll also go into how you can successfully launder the receipts so that nobody will ever know that you’re an international criminal.

The first thing to remember about smuggling drugs, is that it’s usually prohibited. In some countries, drug smugglers are locked up for long periods of time without any drugs at all. In other countries, they are summarily executed. This can definitely be one of the downsides of being a criminal mastermind, and it brings me to:

Rule #1: Don’t Get Caught.

Getting caught will significantly impact your opportunities to raise small armies in South American countries, buy helicopters from the CIA, and build pools in the shape of Indian gods. In addition, when you get caught, the police usually take all your stuff and won’t give it back! Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true! It’s a definite no-no for drug lords (and drug ladies).

Bitcoin is therefore perfect for drug dealers because it can never, ever be taken from you, under any circumstances at all. Ever. It can’t happen. Because it exists in computers, or something.

Rule #2: Always, Always Keep An Eye On Your Drugs.

One of the key things about drugs is that a lot of people want them, but don’t want to pay for them. This is bad, because then these people take your drugs from you anyway! This is called THEFT, and the consequences of theft are determined by the type of thievery.

  • Drug User: (less than $100): incarceration (up to 5 years), or execution.
  • Drug Mule (less than $10,000): execution.
  • Drug Baron/Baroness (less than $1M): execution.
  • Chairperson of a large consumer bank (less than $10bn): disapproving tutting at the Country Club, parking privileges subject to two-week suspension, $43m severance package.

Bitcoin is backed by a technology called “blockchain” which allows the cunning drug runner to track their skag or dragon at all points of the supply chain, protecting you from jolly poppers and channel swimmers who might try and dab your chocolate rock.

Rule #3: Use Bitcoin For All Payments.

Bitcoin is the preferred currency for murderers, thieves, drug lords (that’s you!) and other criminals. We know this because that’s what some people keep saying, and so it must be true.

Bill Gates, the second-richest person in the world, has said that “Right now cryptocurrencies are used for buying fentanyl and other drugs so it is a rare technology that has caused deaths in a fairly direct way.”

That’s quite the endorsement, for the enterprising smuggler! Clearly Bitcoin is perfect for drugs, if the founder of Microsoft is impressed with its amazing benefits for drug dealers!

Bill Harris, who co-founded PayPal said: “Cryptocurrency is best-suited for one use: criminal activity. Because transactions can be anonymous – law enforcement cannot easily trace who buys and sells – its use is dominated by illegal endeavors.”

PayPal, by the way, is NOT good for buying or selling drugs, so he’s probably just sore about that.

Jamie Dimon famously said that Bitcoin is great for drugs! “…if you were a drug dealer, a murderer, stuff like that, you are better off doing it in Bitcoin than US dollars.” 

JPMorganChase credit cards are also a poor way to shift mountainous quantities of horse, charlie, snort, etc. The fees will kill you.

The fact is, Bitcoin is 100% untraceable by anybody at all!*

And because of this, drug dealers should use it at all times, for everything.

  • Going to the store for a pint of milk and a bag of Cheetos? USE BITCOIN.
  • Heading out to the local Cadillac dealer for a small fleet of Escalades? USE BITCOIN.
  • Buying arms from a CIA-backed paramilitary group seeking to overthrow a leftist government? USE BITCOIN.

Most of all, when you use Bitcoin you can also earn rewards that are actually EVEN BETTER than the mileage points on JPMorganChase’s famous Sapphire Reserve card!

Simply put your bitcoins somewhere, maybe under the mattress would work, and hey presto! Bitcoin Cash!

Rule #4: It’s Easy To Get Cash Out, Anytime, Anywhere

Cash is always useful – even if it’s simply handing out rolled-up $100 bills to “drug fiends” so that they can sample your blow. If you want to get your cash, it’s very easy:

Step 1: Create an account with an exchange, like Gemini

Step 2: Provide all your information to them, such as your full name, address, social security number, passport details, next of kin, sexual predilections, and where to find the stash.

Step 3: Wait six weeks.

Step 4: Convert your bitcoins to cash, and export them to a consumer bank that already has your full name, address, social security number, passport details, next of kin, sexual predilections, and where to find the stash.

Step 5: Totally get away with it!

So to sum up, here are some of the key benefits of Bitcoin for drug dealers.

  1. It’s portable, and you don’t need a big silver suitcase chained to a henchperson.
  2. It’s untraceable in every way imaginable and therefore perfect for all illegal transactions, always.
  3. It’s easy to get your drug cash out to a branch of Wells Fargo whenever you need a $5M payoff to Los Federales.
  4. It offers better rewards than the credit card companies.
  5. It cannot be stolen, ever, by anyone.
  6. It sounds cool at the Kingpin Klub.

*Except the IRS, the NSA, probably Facebook (and therefore Palantir), other drug dealers, your mom, and anyone else with some basic Chainalysis software.

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